ADVICE: Girlfriend has rancid dragon breath

Dear Joan Actually,

I’ve been seeing this girl for about 2 months and things have been going well. She’s super fun and the chemistry is there, but she has disgusting breath. At first, it was a little gross, but now it’s overpowering. It’s so nasty that I don’t feel like kissing her anymore. She’s been asking what’s up. What do I do?

breath1

Baby, I can’t imagine your struggle. And, also, I commend you for surviving two months with someone whose mouth smells like road kill and farts. Bringing up bad breath is awkward. So awkward, in fact, that most people would rather let the relationship fizzle than bring it up. Since you’ve made a two-month investment and everything else is working out, you’re going to have to suck it up and have a talk.

DID YOU JUST CRINGE? EVERYONE ELSE DID, TOO.

Here’s how you’re going to approach this:

  1. Serve up some snacks at home, when it’s just the two of you.
  2. After snack time, say, “Babe, I think food is getting caught between your teeth, and it smells kinda weird.”
  3. Suggest a quick tooth brushing session: “Time to brush.”
  4. Afterwards, kiss girlfriend and say, “Ahh, so much better. I love that minty feeling.”
  5. WITH A SMILE, add, “Every once in a while, I think I can tell what you’ve had for lunch. I’ll let you know if it gets a little intense.”
  6. Change subject.

Look at it this way—if you don’t say anything, the relationship will end, so you might as well bring it up. See diagram below for reasoning:

Dear_Joan_Bad_Breath

Like your taxes, you’ll want to put this off, but you’re better off working towards a solution than inhaling toxic fumes.

 

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Need some help or advice? An objective know-it-all third party might be exactly exactly what the doctor ordered. E-mail me at JoanActually [at] zoosk [dot] com.

Cartoon Credits: Mary DiPasquale